Only Human

So important to remember — especially when one is feeling defective because of the symptoms of post traumatic stress.  PTSD is a normal human response to experiencing traumatic events.  Today, try to accept that you are only human.

Phoenix Rising

A phoenix rises from the ashes born again.  I always find the phoenix to be a hopeful symbol.  The hope that survivors of abuse can rise from the ashes of their past and live new vibrant lives.  To not just survive but to thrive.  

Lost my marbles

I  lost my marbles this year.

My husband died after seven years of fighting a rare disease that was similar to Multiple Sclerosis.  Still, it came as a shock when I found him that morning not breathing.  The paramedics came and were not able to revive him.  I cried.  Everyone was very kind.  My neighbor, Laurie, came over to help while the medical examiner came and finally the undertakers.   They let me have a few minutes alone with him before they took him.  I cried while I held him. I cried while I touched and caressed his face.  But, looking at him I realized that he looked more well and more at peace than he had in years. It was so hard for us both the past few years because he couldn’t walk or stand and had trouble even sitting up.  Also, he had lost his hearing.  Still, I’d take it all back just to have my Manny with me.

Then, for a number of reasons, I had to move.  Packing and getting rid of things is not my forte, so, my friend, Sue,  and my son helped me.  Sue came over several times a week and bravely sorted through my decades of accumulated treasures and junk.   I don’t know how I would have downsized without her.  As we were packing, we came across my marble collections.  Gathered in different boxes and tins, there were several hundreds.  I had cat’s eyes, comets, clearies, tri-lites, and many others.  Below are more types with their names.

She was impressed by my collection and thought they were beautiful and so, she carefully packed them in a box.  I was so relieved that she didn’t see them as silly or want me to get rid of them.  But, then my son came home for a weekend to help me pack.  He thought that I hadn’t downsized enough and looked in some boxes that Sue and I had packed to see if there was anything that I should be getting rid of.  And then he came across the marbles.

“What are these for? You don’t need marbles, you don’t play with them.” He said while he quickly took them out of the packed box.

“I..I collect them.  They are pretty.” I anxiously replied.

Although a great son (and an incredible help during this difficult time), he saw no need for an adult woman to have marbles and so off they went to the thrift store.  And that’s how I literally lost my marbles. I miss my marbles.  They sparkled and glowed in the light and felt cool and smooth to the touch. I liked the feeling of rolling them around in my hands. But it’s nothing compared with losing  my Manny.

Soon after, I figuratively lost my marbles and ended up in the psych ward of a hospital.  But that is another story.

Yes

The author of this blog took the time to give me a much needed pep talk after I commented on this quote. I like the self-image of warrior so much better than survivor. It is a more true representation of those of us that fight to function despite our mental battles. Much gratitude and thanks to Pattyspathtohealing.

Safe (Part 9)

It’s okay.  We told and nothing bad happened.  We are safe now.  You are safe little one.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes…

For everyone who has ever been loved by a dog.

Sunshinebright

A shared article on my Facebook page touched me so deeply, that I had to share it with my WordPress readers:

A Dog’s Purpose?
(according to a 6-year-old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa , and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker ‘s…

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Favorite Childhood Books

One of my favorites was The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.  This was in the late 60’s before it became so popular or was made into movies.   I remember first finding it in my grade school library.  I would peruse shelves of books, just looking at titles and covers one by one. Suddenly, I stopped.  I saw a picture of a dwarf holding a flask (older copy of book).  Hmmm.. this looks interesting…I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up as my excitement built.   I took hold of the book feeling it’s promise in my hands.   I think this is the best way to find a book — to feel it calling you.  And to find it on your own — not on a best seller list, or as a present. It seems more personal, as if it is a secret shared between you and the author.

I’d like to hear about other people’s favorite childhood books, so please write in the comment box if you feel like sharing.

Houdini’s Song

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Always Something There to Remind Me.”

 Houdini’s Song

I saw the wind blow white dandelion fluff today

and remembered you.

Running, prancing, and patrolling your yard —

Long ears flapping, plumed tail flowing.

Oh, how I miss your freckled face —

Your kind brown eyes

and velvet nose.

Sigh.

There will never be another dog just like you.

I sure miss a friend like Hoo.

Some Enchanted Afternoon

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “First Sight.”

Some Enchanted Afternoon

I had just dropped my son off at the bus station.  He was off to the big city — New York City — to begin his first semester of college.  I was experiencing all the classical symptoms of empty nest syndrome.  I had cried buckets of tears after his bus drove out of view.  After calming down, I knew I’d best not go back home or I’d just have another crying jag.  My friend, Sue, and her daughter, Renee, were looking to adopt a kitten.  I decided that while they were busy this day, I could look for  a kitty for them at a pet store they hadn’t gone to  yet.  (I usually do my adopting at animal shelters but they had already gone to the local one and hadn’t found any young kittens.)   Thinking of looking at kittens was already cheering me up as I drove over to the store.  With a spring in my step I walked up to the door and opened it.   A bell jangled to announce my arrival.  As I stepped in, I looked to the back of the store and stopped.  There was a   beautiful black and white tuxedo kitten with white whiskers and a white splotch on her nose. She looked just like the neighbor’s cat from my childhood.  I was instantly in love and I was twenty feet away.  A salesman asked me if I needed any help.  In a daze, I said “yes, I see a kitten” and walked past him in a trance. It was as if I were hypnotized. When I would remember these moments afterwards, I would hear the song “Some Enchanted Evening” playing in the background.

“Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger – You may see a stranger across a crowded room… and somehow you know, you know even then, that somehow you’ll see him again and again…”

Soon I reached the cage and I couldn’t believe how cute she was.  “Hello kitty”.  I greeted her while peering through the cage bars.  She mewed back.  The saleslady said I could take her out and hold her. (Its times like this I feel how great it is to be an adult!)  I opened the cage door and carefully gathered up her tiny furry body and brought her to my chest.  She didn’t protest but cuddled against me. I explained to the salesperson that I was looking for a kitten for a friend and I thought this one was just right.  I stroked her and talked to her and looked at her in amazement that anything could be this adorable.  Reluctantly, I put her back in the cage to call my friend.  I called her cell phone number, but she didn’t answer.  I left a voice mail.  I tried calling again in five minutes — still no answer.  The salesperson had agreed to hold the kitten for me while I made the phone calls.  What was I to do?  Surely, she’d be gone by the end of the day if I couldn’t get hold of Sue.  I realized that there was only one thing to do.  I’d have to buy her and save her for Renee and her mom!  Surely, they would adore her and if they didn’t — hey, I’d take her!  Oh, I felt as if I had wings and could fly as I paid for her.  I carried her out to my car in a box with air holes.  Now she was meowing in protest.

Driving home, I thought about my husband, Manny, seeing her.  He loved cats and adored the one we had — Abby.  “Wait till he sees you!” I spoke back to the mewing box.  “I bet you’ll cheer him right up.”  Manny was often down lately because he had lost most of his hearing and the hearing aids only helped a little.  I got home and unlocked the front door while my dog, Hoo,  barked and jumped upon me.  “Shhh — you’ll scare the kitty” I cautioned him.  Manuel was in the bedroom and so I placed the box upon the bed and told him to come and see. Then, I opened up the top of the box a little bit and out popped a wee head with tiny ears and tiny white whiskers.  As I opened it wider, I babbled on excitedly about picking up the kitten for Sue and Renee and how I didn’t even look at any of the other kittens.  Manny’s face was beaming as the kitten hopped out of the box and began walking upon the bed.  He petted  her and said “we’ll have to figure out a name for her”.  Suddenly, I realized that he thought I had brought her home for us!  He hadn’t heard me say that she was for our friends.  What was I to do?   He hadn’t looked this happy in months.  Well…it wasn’t as if Sue or Renee had seen the kitten yet and well… wasn’t I just in love with it?  And Manny would be so disappointed…And so, we named her.  My husband was from Mexico so I wanted her name to sound Spanish.  This was the first pet we had gotten together.  We quickly settled on the name Pepita and claimed her as our own.  As for my friends, they finally found their own kitten to love and were able to forgive me for taking Pepita!

Where the Ponies Run

Somewhere the ponies run —

And I can ride, I can ride

Somewhere the ponies run

 past all the memories I fear.

Across the fields, under the sun —

We will ride, we will ride

Across the fields, under the sun

Into fair  meadows of cheer.

Sad thoughts — there will be none —

And we will dance, we will dance

Bad dreams — they will be gone —

 Our eyes will have no tears.

Somewhere the ponies run

And joy is somewhere near.