Abilify, Rexulti and Latuda

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When medicine works it can be a great blessing.  But when it doesn’t, it is frustrating.  I had been doing really well on Abilify, but it really messed with my blood sugar levels and after many years on it, I became diabetic.  At 30 mg., it took some time to titrate me off of it slowly.  Then, I was prescribed Rexulti.  Initially, I felt good on it.  But, then midway through the first month on it, I began laying in bed a lot because my head felt so heavy.  With this came irritability.  By the end of the month I had become suicidal and had started researching how to kill myself with different medications.  I even impulsively downed 600 mg. of Trazadone one night.  Alarmed, I made an appointment with my psychiatrist who recommended I go to a mental hospital till the Rexulti left my system.  The day before I went in, she prescribed me Latuda.  Each day in the hospital improved my mood and I stopped feeling suicidal.  The day after I was discharged though I began to have severe anxiety attacks which lasted all day.  I was prescribed Vestaril three times a day. Thankfully, it relieved my anxiety.  But, I then became depressed and listless.  I realized that the Latuda wasn’t doing anything to stabilize me.  Back I went to the psychiatrist and begged to be put on Abilify  temporarily for the next month since I had a trip planned to Chicago later in September to attend a friend’s memorial and had agreed to watch another friend’s animals while she went on vacation.  I needed to be functioning for all this and knew from past experience that Abilify was great at stabilizing my moods.  I am happy to report that it is working and I feel a great improvement in my spirit and no longer lie endlessly in bed but, instead getting a great many things done and making up for so many weeks of lost time.  Another thing I realized was that I had been having more bad days and feeling depressed as my dosage of Abilify was being lowered over many months.  Now I am on 10mg. of Abilify.  But what do I do in October?  I can’t stay on Abilify because it makes me diabetic.  What drug will I be put on next?  Does anyone have any ideas or have had good results with any other mood stabilizers or antipsychotics?   I’d really appreciate some feedback.

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Self Compassion

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I have been trying for the past couple of days to try to develop a more positive attitude in the mornings.  I still think this is worth the effort and may be helpful to some degree.  But, after reading this quote today (from Grace to Survive), I realize that at the same time  I must not condemn myself for feeling badly.   This is what I was doing.  Seeing it as another shortcoming in myself.  Seeing it as a sign of weakness.  I am not hard on other people; I need to stop being so hard on myself.   Compassion is not pity.  It is empathy with understanding I think.   So, tomorrow morning I will not berate myself.  Instead,  I will remember that the pain is not my fault and accept it, yet gently invite myself to think upon the good and even wonderful things that life has to offer.

Message from Winnie-the-Pooh

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I think on most days I need to read this message from Pooh Bear. Having PTSD and agoraphobia among other things makes me feel cowardly, weak and stupid.  Stupid, because I can’t think my way out of my fears.  I know that they are by and large illogical. Part of me thinks if I was smarter I’d be able to reason my way out of the fearful mess that is my psyche.  Weak, because I cannot push past the ridiculous fears that cripple my life much of the time.  Cowardly, because instead of standing up to them, I allow them to rule over me.

But, I do stand up to my fears sometimes and do something that causes me anxiety anyway.  I am not always cowardly.  I am not always weak.  And, the more I share with and learn from fellow bloggers and my therapist, I realize that my symptoms have nothing to do with my intelligence.

So, I will take to heart this wisdom from the bear who claimed to have “very little brain”. He is so much smarter than he thought.