I have been trying for the past couple of days to try to develop a more positive attitude in the mornings. I still think this is worth the effort and may be helpful to some degree. But, after reading this quote today (from Grace to Survive), I realize that at the same time I must not condemn myself for feeling badly. This is what I was doing. Seeing it as another shortcoming in myself. Seeing it as a sign of weakness. I am not hard on other people; I need to stop being so hard on myself. Compassion is not pity. It is empathy with understanding I think. So, tomorrow morning I will not berate myself. Instead, I will remember that the pain is not my fault and accept it, yet gently invite myself to think upon the good and even wonderful things that life has to offer.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looksoutsidedreams. Who looks inside, awakens. -Carl Jung
You look inside upon the vastness of the soul and realize how much you don’t know; you are a witness to your own inhibitions and ignorance. The canyon walls are inflected with beauty and ugliness, which in itself draws you
It is hard to find people in this world who will try to understand just what PTSD is, let alone how it impacts your life. Even people who love you are apt to know more about the president’s dog than PTSD. Even if they read up on it, they may not understand it in an empathetic way since it is not something they experience. There are days that I feel more understood by the cat than a dear friend. (Of course, this is anthropomorphism — but heh, whatever gets me through the day… 😉 ) But, here at WordPress, I can find others who walk my path — who “get it” — because they are walking it too. It may not be PTSD, but instead depression, anxiety, OCD, DID, bi-polar disorder, or any number of mental and emotional health challenges. But, we can understand each other because we have shared experiences. Some days, we write a post and feel heard when we see a “like” on it. We press “like” when we find a post we can relate to. Sometimes we even comment on each others blogs and share a thought or two. We see others on the path sharing our journey. The loneliness abates. Other people’s ignorance is easier to bear. There are others who understand and whom we understand and this is a very good thing.
I am going through a time where my spirit resembles that of the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. I fear the future and I fear the present. I fear that there is no god. But I will pray this prayer nevertheless and hope.
Okay, that is me that the last post spoke so lovingly of. It’s an odd anniversary. One year ago I tried to take my life. I took an overdose of valium. Then, I thought better of it, and called 911. I still feel shame over it. Because my son found out. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for allowing my darkness to enter his world. You see, I hid it successfully for over seventeen years. He was about five years old when I started having flashbacks and started feeling like I was losing my mind. I would hide in the bathroom and run my fingers up and down the lines on the wallpaper till the worst of the anxiety would pass. His favorite movies would play as I grappled with my sanity. Years of refusing medication because I thought to tough it out and get better faster. Till I didn’t. I grew worse and finally cried uncle and said “give me the pills”. The medication helped a great deal. I no longer felt as if I was holding on to my sanity by a thread. But, all along, I was working hard to improve my life. I got a divorce, went to college, got training and worked hard. Despite some hardships, I felt my life getting better. I felt that the bad times, and the decades of abuse, were behind me. Then, I met a kind man and we married and within a year he got a terminal illness and he died seven years later. And that is when I lost it. Lost the hope that I could have a decent life. I did manage to keep on keeping on for a time but then a dark day came and I took the pills. I am lucky that a part of me wasn’t ready to give in and dialed that phone.
I don’t have any words of wisdom. When you feel that bad — that you try to take your life — it seems you are beyond words. A darkness encompasses you and you just want to flee it. My medication was changed during my subsequent hospitalization. Perhaps, that is why I have not attempted suicide again. Or perhaps, I have found a glimmer of hope that my life could get better. It is ever so small this glimmer but for now it is enough.