Sandie in Wonderland

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I made a promise to myself many years ago to pursue reality.  I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage at the time.  Denial had been my coping mechanism; that and pretending that he was an alien from another planet to explain his cold-heartedness and lack of empathy.  It’s taken years to see the full arsenal of weapons he used.  Also, to fully appreciate that it was a deliberate choice on his part and not something he couldn’t help.  At times, I have felt stupid for having been fooled.  But these realizations were nothing compared to recovering the memories of rape and incest I experienced as a child and teenager.  Despite the heartbreak of finding out that my father was not the good and loving man that I loved, I still would choose reality.  Those that have been abused live in a different reality though.  The world does not make sense. Life does not make sense.  Parents and people are not to be trusted.

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Family is often not a good word but a term that is filled with pain.  But, with good therapy and good friends, (and kind pets – I must add)  small steps can be taken to start to engage with your fellow humans and stop expecting the worse.  Still I feel,  at times, that I have come from a different planet than many of the people  I know.  And I wonder sometimes if others can sense that I am different.  Sure, I try to fit in and laugh along at the jokes.  So often though, it is a huge act.  There’s a feeling of isolation that crops up suddenly sometimes.  Because I don’t talk about my past to the majority of the populace.  Its a secret that I carry around.  A secret that has been kept so long, since childhood.  This disconnection from other people is part of my reality.

But, reality is the price that I paid for not going mad.  As I slowly wake in the mornings after a night of strange dreams, I check in to see if I am still sane.  I usually am not sure I am till after two cups of coffee and reading through my fellow bloggers latest blogs.  I then start to notice the world around me. I hear  planes overhead, bird calls and see whether the sun is out or hiding.  Its another day.  Another day for learning new ways to live and accepting the reality of now with both  it’s blessings and challenges.  Reality can be both bad and good; there is darkness and light.  And just for today, I will try to embrace the goodness in this world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Onyx, the Ebony Cat

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I have fallen deeply in love with Onyx, the ebony cat. His soft fur shines and he lights up my world.  My friend, Rose, (who I am staying with while I get my life together) adopted him two months ago and we have become fast friends.  He is three years old and seems wise beyond his years.  We play together, cuddle together; he purrs, I say inane things to him. (I keep my most silly talk to private times when we are alone.)  I call him friend because what else would you call someone who calms, comforts and cares for you?  Okay, perhaps I am guilty of some level of anthropomorphism.  But, I tell you, it is uncanny how he appears at my side when I am starting to slide into the blues.  He’ll hop onto the bed as I sit journaling and start to purr at me and it stops my descent into the pits.

In the morning, as I sip my coffee and read blogs and devotions and try to enter the day with something resembling hope, he hops onto the arm of the chair, reaches for my shoulder, and places his front paws on it.  Then, he bites my head!  I feel so honored and loved and suddenly glad to be alive. And I giggle when they turn into multiple love bites.

Sometimes I bury my nose into his warm fur and just breathe in and out.  It is truly a Zen moment.  I love this beautiful cat and he is safe to love. How often do we love where we shouldn’t and end up hurt or disappointed?

Perhaps I need to get a life!  But, until I do, I am going to hang out with a cat named Onyx.

photos from Bing

Some Enchanted Afternoon

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “First Sight.”

Some Enchanted Afternoon

I had just dropped my son off at the bus station.  He was off to the big city — New York City — to begin his first semester of college.  I was experiencing all the classical symptoms of empty nest syndrome.  I had cried buckets of tears after his bus drove out of view.  After calming down, I knew I’d best not go back home or I’d just have another crying jag.  My friend, Sue, and her daughter, Renee, were looking to adopt a kitten.  I decided that while they were busy this day, I could look for  a kitty for them at a pet store they hadn’t gone to  yet.  (I usually do my adopting at animal shelters but they had already gone to the local one and hadn’t found any young kittens.)   Thinking of looking at kittens was already cheering me up as I drove over to the store.  With a spring in my step I walked up to the door and opened it.   A bell jangled to announce my arrival.  As I stepped in, I looked to the back of the store and stopped.  There was a   beautiful black and white tuxedo kitten with white whiskers and a white splotch on her nose. She looked just like the neighbor’s cat from my childhood.  I was instantly in love and I was twenty feet away.  A salesman asked me if I needed any help.  In a daze, I said “yes, I see a kitten” and walked past him in a trance. It was as if I were hypnotized. When I would remember these moments afterwards, I would hear the song “Some Enchanted Evening” playing in the background.

“Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger – You may see a stranger across a crowded room… and somehow you know, you know even then, that somehow you’ll see him again and again…”

Soon I reached the cage and I couldn’t believe how cute she was.  “Hello kitty”.  I greeted her while peering through the cage bars.  She mewed back.  The saleslady said I could take her out and hold her. (Its times like this I feel how great it is to be an adult!)  I opened the cage door and carefully gathered up her tiny furry body and brought her to my chest.  She didn’t protest but cuddled against me. I explained to the salesperson that I was looking for a kitten for a friend and I thought this one was just right.  I stroked her and talked to her and looked at her in amazement that anything could be this adorable.  Reluctantly, I put her back in the cage to call my friend.  I called her cell phone number, but she didn’t answer.  I left a voice mail.  I tried calling again in five minutes — still no answer.  The salesperson had agreed to hold the kitten for me while I made the phone calls.  What was I to do?  Surely, she’d be gone by the end of the day if I couldn’t get hold of Sue.  I realized that there was only one thing to do.  I’d have to buy her and save her for Renee and her mom!  Surely, they would adore her and if they didn’t — hey, I’d take her!  Oh, I felt as if I had wings and could fly as I paid for her.  I carried her out to my car in a box with air holes.  Now she was meowing in protest.

Driving home, I thought about my husband, Manny, seeing her.  He loved cats and adored the one we had — Abby.  “Wait till he sees you!” I spoke back to the mewing box.  “I bet you’ll cheer him right up.”  Manny was often down lately because he had lost most of his hearing and the hearing aids only helped a little.  I got home and unlocked the front door while my dog, Hoo,  barked and jumped upon me.  “Shhh — you’ll scare the kitty” I cautioned him.  Manuel was in the bedroom and so I placed the box upon the bed and told him to come and see. Then, I opened up the top of the box a little bit and out popped a wee head with tiny ears and tiny white whiskers.  As I opened it wider, I babbled on excitedly about picking up the kitten for Sue and Renee and how I didn’t even look at any of the other kittens.  Manny’s face was beaming as the kitten hopped out of the box and began walking upon the bed.  He petted  her and said “we’ll have to figure out a name for her”.  Suddenly, I realized that he thought I had brought her home for us!  He hadn’t heard me say that she was for our friends.  What was I to do?   He hadn’t looked this happy in months.  Well…it wasn’t as if Sue or Renee had seen the kitten yet and well… wasn’t I just in love with it?  And Manny would be so disappointed…And so, we named her.  My husband was from Mexico so I wanted her name to sound Spanish.  This was the first pet we had gotten together.  We quickly settled on the name Pepita and claimed her as our own.  As for my friends, they finally found their own kitten to love and were able to forgive me for taking Pepita!

Dear Cat

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Photo from Bing

Much love and gratitude to Meeshka – my friend’s sweet purring therapy cat

I reblogged this from Pooky’s Poems in 2015.  Meeshka, my friend’s dear cat just had to be put to sleep at the ripe old age of eighteen.  She will be mourned and missed.

Pooky's Poems

Stroking your fur,
I sink into your purr
And I feel my anxiety lessen.

The stress of the day,
Floats so gently away,
In my life you’re a wonderful blessing.

I cuddle you tight,
When things aren’t feeling right,
You don’t judge,
You don’t tut,
You just listen.

You allow me to speak,
When I’m low or I’m weak,
Cat-less folk do not know
What they’re missing.


[For Mork and Mindy on theur tenth birthday]

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