What Is Derealisation?

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Fighting for a Future

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What is Derealisation?

Derealisation – also known as ‘feeling detached from self and surroundings’ – occurs in almost everyone who experiences excessive anxiety and panic disorder. Derealisation occurs when our reality and surroundings feel and appear distorted and we become highly aware that we feel ‘different’ from our usual selves. Similar to derealisation is the symptom of depersonalisation. This is when the focus is mainly on the self and it feels like the person who is experiencing it is ‘observing’ themselves. People with the symptoms of derealisation and depersonalisation can often relate to these statements:

The Symptoms of Derealisation (as thoughts):

  • I know the room I am in, but I don’t feel like I’m here
  • I am stood here but it feels like I’m floating
  • Everything doesn’t seem as it is
  • I can hear myself talk, but it isn’t me who is talking
  • I feel like I’m living in the…

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I Love to say “No”

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Image result for bing pictures of people saying no

I love to say “no”.  It is a word and choice that I was unable to utilize till I went into therapy about twenty-five years ago.  My niece, whom I love, telephoned me the other day.  I told her that I was almost done crocheting the blanket for her cat Thea.  She wanted to know what colors I had used.  I felt my desire to keep it a secret since I wanted it to be a surprise.  I said “no, I want it to be a surprise”.  My niece pushed, and insisted she wanted to know…now.  I resisted the urge to give into her needs rather than respect mine, and repeated my desire to keep it a secret.  She informed me that I am strange sometimes.  I laughed and said she was not exactly the poster child for normal.  (I have yet to meet anyone who would be suitable for this!)  She admitted this, but maintained that I was strange.  Chuckling at her response to my abiding by my desire, I was not offended but amused since I know she loves me.  I credit my ability to say “no” to excellent therapy and the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.   Although, it has a Christian bias, it is useful to anyone who wishes to have better boundaries in relationships.  If you were abused as a child, boundary setting ability is often non-existent.  You feel that you have to do what others want you to do at all times.  Even feeling that you have to think as others do also.  Another recent use of my ever-increasing ability to use the word no involved a dear friend who has had my back innumerable times over the years.  She is fairly obsessed with her own weight, going to the YMCA five times a week and taking at least two classes each time.  One day, she texted me about missing a third day at the YMCA.  I had gone twice that week, but was unable to go the third time because I was having strong PTSD symptoms.  She texted me angrily calling me lazy and telling me I would stay fat because of this.  I texted back telling her she was being hurtful and that I wanted an apology.  She was unapologetic. Instead, telling me that I needed to hear the truth.  This was followed by two texts in the next weeks warning me that I’d need very strong and large tires on the bike I had recently purchased or they would burst from my weight.  It was time to set very firm boundaries with her if we were to continue our friendship.  I texted  her  that I cherished our friendship and loved her but these type of comments were hurtful and not at all helpful and she needed to stop treating me this way. (I had actually stopped going to the YMCA because I didn’t want to see her and felt embarrassed.)  I told her I needed her to promise to stop making comments about my weight.  At first, she tried to avoid doing this but I insisted that this was non-negotiable and she finally agreed to stop.  She has kept her promise for two weeks now and I have returned to the YMCA.  I share all this to show you can set boundaries and say no and still keep important relationships.  But, sometimes you can’t.  My first husband, who had mentally and emotionally abused me for a decade, refused to respect my new boundaries where I insisted on being treated with respect and moved out six months after I had set them.  I later used my “no” again when he came to pick up our son and I smelled alcohol on his breath.  He didn’t get to drive him for over a decade.

Sometimes, I am like a two-year old who has learned the word no.  I have days where I just say it because it feels so good to assert my autonomy.  There’s a quote by Descartes that says “I think, therefore I am”.  But mine is “I say no, because I can”.

 

 

Rescue

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Emerging From The Dark Night

Rescue

Little child

You needed a home in my heart

I am sorry that for so so long

I could not give you one

It seems to me that for so many years

I was a tiny baby

In an adult’s body

Hungering for love

My cup was empty

And so I sought

Everywhere

And in so many very dark places

For love

But the mystery was

That that kind of hunger

Only left me wanting more

Or emptier than before

And since there was no adult showing up within

How could I ever give you a home inside this skin

And so I tried all I could to numb you out

To deny the truth

That no one could save you

But then today

I sat with you while you cried

And felt so forlorn

When clouds came

To blot out the sun

It felt like we were soon to…

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Wasteland

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I hope to see this author’s poems in a book one day. She is that good. She expresses so much that is in my soul that I thought was impossible to express. Turns out that it is not, just needed a special soul to wrestle the words onto paper.

Emerging From The Dark Night

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Grief that settles deep inside your soul

Lays waste to your energy

And vital sense of self

Oh how to tell the tale of what really is ailing you deep inside

When roots that sustained you so deeply

Are torn away

And your unshed tears pool

And become like lead

Pain and longing ache

But are so often buried deep and dead

And this failure of feeling

Leaves you

Utterly forsaken

Where can you go for comfort

When everyone seems to be so numb and blind

Offering you only sedatives

Or angering platitudes

As if they knew

The truth of what hurt so deeply

In this place beyond words

Buried so deep inside

Healing demands

That this grief

Becomes an ocean which swells

Sweeping aside the sediment of resistance

And at times

You also need the wild fire

To move through you

But when all has gone to ground

This…

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FREEDOM

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Perfect shot of Blossoms!

Patricia J Grace

photo by Patricia

A steadiness comes with the longer days, and a lighter look at life determined to take each day and live with feelings of self-affirmation. The message sometimes needs repeating, You’re OK. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve hurt no one.  

Life has been fraught with messages of doing wrong, or being wrong, embedded into my psyche at the age of eight. When others needed to come— to rally, protect, to love, they instead chose to abandon. It is possible to live free of what has been cultivated, and instead live by one’s choosing.

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Wounds that Time Won’t Heal (Link)

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Although I didn’t understand all the medical jargon used in this article, I did get the gist of it.  Childhood abuse alters brain development, functions and connections.  This information has helped me see that perhaps much of my inability to heal fully and the grip that PTSD has on me is not due to lack of strength within me or that I am weak.  Two thoughts that often cause me to feel guilty and lower my self-esteem.   But, the possibility that I have brain abnormalities causing my symptoms gives me good reason to stop whipping myself for not being able to battle so many of them successfully.  I will still try my damndest  to live and function as best as I am able, but. when I feel that I have failed and begin to criticize myself for being weak, I will, instead, remember that there may be reasons – real, physical reasons – that compromise my mental state.  I also have just finished reading a book by a fellow WordPress blogger, Alexis Rose, that is about living with PTSD.  This proved to be an important reminder that having PTSD is not my fault.  So, today, I will stop beating myself up for perceived failings, but instead congratulate myself for succeeding in many areas of my life despite the challenges I face daily.