Choices

This quote spoke to me.  Choosing and making choices does not come easily to me as these were taken away from me as a child.  I was taught that what I wanted or needed did not matter.  So, making choices is a skill that I have to work at.  And coping with Complex PTSD,  this feels like it takes away my choices as it has a will of it’s own and decides daily  what I will have to struggle with each day.  But, amid these two challenges, the thought of having a choice about who I will be caused me to hope.  That I am more and can be more than just a walking, talking response to severe abuse.  Looking back,  I remember reading Leo Buscaglia’s book Love as a teenager, and deciding that I wanted to be like him — loving, warm, friendly and having a positive effect on those around me.   This was a challenge since I had a great deal of social anxiety.   But, focusing on how others felt rather than my fears allowed me to put forth a friendly face and have positive interactions with people.

Another choice I made was to not be like my mother.  Aside from being abusive, she was a bitter, hate-filled, controlling shrew of a woman who spoke to me endlessly  and daily about how others had wronged her.  I remember praying passionately for God to help me not be like her almost daily for years as a teenager. Thankfully, I am nothing like her.  Other dreams I have dreamt have come to fruition too.  To realize. after reading this quote,  that I have successfully made choices in the past gives me hope that I can make choices today about the person that I want to be.  It just takes a lot more courage now and a willingness to see past my perceived limitations.  I have been feeling less than thrilled at the  possibility of another possible thirty years on this planet since my fifty-eighth birthday because my future looked solely full of endless coping with PTSD.  But, maybe, it could be much more.  So, this week I will dream about what else I would like to accomplish in this life and dust off some ancient dreams that I had given up on.   If I can imagine it, it well may be that I can do it.

(I borrowed the header quote from the blog Grace to Survive, which I try to never miss a post of. All others are from Bing.)