Despite Years of Therapy…

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I have just recently realized that despite years of hard work in therapy, numerous medications, and sheer grit, I will never fully heal from the sexual abuse that I experienced throughout my childhood.  Sigh. Nineteen years of therapy has done me a great deal of good in that I no longer carry toxic shame about what was done to me, among other healings too numerous to mention here.  I have been very depressed for a couple of months now as the realization that this may be as good as it gets for me — this life of struggling daily with phantom feelings from my past — are never going to go away.  For years I have thought that the final healing was just around the corner.  Just a breakthrough away.  I have also become aware recently that I may live another thirty years — that would be in my eighties.  I don’t know how I have made it through fifty-eight years, and the thought of thirty more really shook me to my core.  I do everything I can to live in a more positive state of mind.  I count my blessings, I practice being in the moment, among many other practices that I utilize to live in a happier way.  And I have my moments.  Just the other day I sang and danced to a disc of Ray Lamontagne  and felt the music move through me blissfully as I swayed back and forth to his rich voice and the guitar riffs.  This is where I find joy.  It had been probably eight  years since I had experienced this — before my second husband became seriously ill.

So this quote I found today seemed made for me.  Maybe if I fully accept my brokenness, there could be something good around that corner I am always looking at.  It may not be the healing that I was hoping for, but something else that will gladden this tired, often dreary heart.  The author speaks of empowerment.  That certainly sounds good, though I cannot as yet wrap my mind around what that would look like.  But, I see shadows and hear whispers that it may be about striding forth and speaking out about the legion of children and adults that suffer and have suffered sexual abuse as children.  I have to figure out what the first step would be in such a journey.  And, then take it.  Ah, I just had a feeling, a good feeling.  It is excitement about my future.  I have not had that in a long while  since the dreams of my youth have seldom materialized.  It is time — it is about time — that I dreamt some new dreams.  My future does not look so bleak now.  And that is a great and wonderful thing.

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