My Father, my Abuser has Died

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I received a letter in the mail from my uncle notifying me that my father had passed away.  I think he was about eighty.  My uncle knew that I was estranged from my father, but I have no idea what my father told him the reason was.  Included in the envelope was the prayer card.  It had a poem on the back that spoke of my father as someone who was kind and wanted to leave the world a better place.  Ironic.  Later, I received a copy of the will which stated that nothing would be left for his daughters.  I wrote back to my uncle thanking him for taking the trouble to find me.  I also wrote that I’d been unable to deal with my parent’s denial of the abuse and had ceased to have contact with them do to that.  How do I feel?  I wish he were still alive and suffering somehow.  I hope there is a hell for him and my mother.  I don’t want them to be at peace when I still struggle to live a life marred by their sexual abuse.  My anger has dissipated  over the years; it is not red hot any longer.  I no longer grit my teeth about what was done to me.  I no longer want vengeance but I long for justice.  On the positive side I feel that some evil has left the planet.  His name was Frank Joseph Kinney. He was a monster.  My sister passed away suddenly last fall and so will not know that he left her nothing in the will despite her continued contact with him.  She could not bring herself to believe my allegations of abuse.  I finally understood and accepted her reluctance to lose her good father figure and we became close again.  I miss her and wish she was still alive but I am at the same time relieved that she didn’t have to go through the pain of finding herself left out of his will.  His last dastardly deed left no victim.  But, I go on and have found much healing through therapists and medications handle the worst of my PTSD symptoms.  My life has been hard but still worth living.  I wonder sometimes what I would have been like if I had not been sexually abused.  Sigh.  I am broken in so many places but there is strength in places too.  And, so I go on.

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9 thoughts on “My Father, my Abuser has Died

  1. I can feel everything you write. It is some powerful writing with so much honesty.. i so appreciate the honesty in your blog. The realness. The truth of the pain and yet the strength in your perseverance. It is only in blogs like this that I have any hope of understanding myself, not judging myself, and just allowing myself to understand me. So thank you for writing.
    Oh and may your father rot in hell.

    Liked by 1 person

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