Yesterday was a better morning. I woke up at 4:00 am with my mind racing and unable to go back to sleep. But, I was in a good mood and got many things done. I wrote back to my kind therapist that I just moved away from. Its been about a month since I moved back to Delaware from Chicago. I am staying with my son till I can get some housing help. We just signed a lease for a year and I hope to be able to live independently by then. I also signed up for a course from Coursera and started taking it. Its about the best methods for teaching children with dyslexia and other learning disorders how to read. I tutored children in reading before my husband passed away. I also filled in a housing application and the many pages of paperwork required to see my new therapist. But that was yesterday morning.
This morning I am a mess (though I am feeling some relief by writing the blog now). I slept well but had distressing dreams about my first husband screaming at me and being abusive and also hugging my father who sexually abused me. For some reason I awoke from these dreams wishing I didn’t exist anymore. I am trying to reframe my desires for death in these terms when I get real dark. It has been a bad couple of hours with no relief in sight despite reading through other WordPress blogs and two cups of coffee. However, from writing this I can feel the dark cloud rising and leaving me. Not sure why. Perhaps, sharing removes that sense of isolation?
I hear the garbage truck outside lifting the cans and emptying their contents and am somehow comforted by that. I look at my parakeet and feel glad to see him. I am feeling a change of venue. I was stuck in the past this morning but now have moved into the present. Ah, relief.