My Power

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I am going through a time where my spirit resembles that of the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz.  I fear the future and I fear the present.  I fear that there is no god.  But I will pray this prayer nevertheless and hope.

An Elephant Called Buddha

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May my heart be kind, my mind fierce and my spirit brave

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Anniversary

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Okay, that is me that the last post spoke so lovingly of.  It’s an odd anniversary.  One year ago I tried to take my life. I took an overdose of valium.  Then, I thought better of it, and called 911.  I still feel shame over it.  Because my son found out.  I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for allowing my darkness to enter his world.  You see, I hid it successfully for over seventeen years.  He was about five years old when I started having flashbacks and started feeling like I was losing my mind.  I would hide in the bathroom and run my fingers up and down the lines on the wallpaper till the worst of the anxiety would pass.  His favorite movies would play as I grappled with my sanity.  Years of refusing medication because I thought to tough it out and get better faster.  Till I didn’t.  I grew worse and finally cried uncle and said “give me the pills”.  The medication helped a great deal.  I no longer felt as if I was holding on to my sanity by a thread.  But, all along, I was working hard to improve my life.  I got a divorce, went to college, got training and worked hard.  Despite some hardships, I felt my life getting better.  I felt that the bad times, and the decades of abuse, were behind me.  Then, I met a kind man and we married and within a year he  got a terminal illness and he died seven years later.  And that is when I lost it.  Lost the hope that I could have a decent life.   I did manage to keep on keeping on for a time but then a dark day came and I took the pills.  I am lucky that a part of me wasn’t ready to give in and dialed that phone.

I don’t have any words of wisdom.  When you feel that  bad — that you try to take your life — it seems you are beyond words.  A darkness encompasses you and you just want to flee it.  My medication was changed during my subsequent hospitalization.  Perhaps, that is why I have not attempted suicide again.  Or perhaps, I have found a glimmer of hope that my life could get better.  It is ever so small this glimmer but for now it is enough.

 

Weepy Day

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I am having a weepy day today.  You name it — I have cried over it.  It started this morning after waking from a bad dream.  You know the kind — the kind that seems realer than reality.  The experts say crying is supposed to be good for you.  But I don’t like it.   I find it frightening and fear it leading to a mental meltdown.  From silent tears to sobbing to practically keening and wailing, I have a whole repertoire.  Did it do me any good?  My best guess is maybe.  I didn’t numb out today.  I did finally function and get washed and dressed.  I washed the kitchen floor, swept the stairs and started a load of laundry.  But, when Onyx sat on my lap and purred  I started crying again because he was being so sweet.   Thankfully no one is home (but the cats) to see this spectacle that I am making of myself today.

I feel a bit calmer now.  Not so raw.  Perhaps, the cup of tea helped. 🙂  The storm has finally passed. Have you had a weepy, sad day recently?  Did you find crying helped?  Please feel free to share your thoughts.

 

 

 

A Faith I Can Embrace

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I found this quote in a post by Fortafy on Facebook:

“Humanity should be our race; Love should be our religion.”

It was the caption below a photo of two children of different races and religions.  The simplicity of the thought struck me.  This was a faith I could embrace. The past year has seen my faith in the religion I was raised dwindle to the point of fearing that there is no god.   I say fearing because the god I believed in was compassionate, loving, just and caring.  I saw him as the good father I never had. Losing my faith has meant losing my loving father figure.  Losing someone who loved me and who could help me.  I haven’t made any final decisions yet.  Who am I to decide whether there is a god or not? But if there is, I believe he is capable of accepting my doubt without punishment.  But, all this has left a void in my soul.   What did I believe?  What would give my life meaning? How should I live out my remaining days?  And so, this quote spoke to me.  It says simply to love.   And to love each human.   I don’t have the audacity to think that I can do this perfectly; but, it could be my aim, my goal.  Its a sort of religion, but one without infidels or a hell for unbelievers.  At any rate, it is a path.  A path I can follow as I venture into this new year.