Okay, that is me that the last post spoke so lovingly of.  It’s an odd anniversary.  One year ago I tried to take my life. I took an overdose of valium.  Then, I thought better of it, and called 911.  I still feel shame over it.  Because my son found out.  I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for allowing my darkness to enter his world.  You see, I hid it successfully for over seventeen years.  He was about five years old when I started having flashbacks and started feeling like I was losing my mind.  I would hide in the bathroom and run my fingers up and down the lines on the wallpaper till the worst of the anxiety would pass.  His favorite movies would play as I grappled with my sanity.  Years of refusing medication because I thought to tough it out and get better faster.  Till I didn’t.  I grew worse and finally cried uncle and said “give me the pills”.  The medication helped a great deal.  I no longer felt as if I was holding on to my sanity by a thread.  But, all along, I was working hard to improve my life.  I got a divorce, went to college, got training and worked hard.  Despite some hardships, I felt my life getting better.  I felt that the bad times, and the decades of abuse, were behind me.  Then, I met a kind man and we married and within a year he  got a terminal illness and he died seven years later.  And that is when I lost it.  Lost the hope that I could have a decent life.   I did manage to keep on keeping on for a time but then a dark day came and I took the pills.  I am lucky that a part of me wasn’t ready to give in and dialed that phone.

I don’t have any words of wisdom.  When you feel that  bad — that you try to take your life — it seems you are beyond words.  A darkness encompasses you and you just want to flee it.  My medication was changed during my subsequent hospitalization.  Perhaps, that is why I have not attempted suicide again.  Or perhaps, I have found a glimmer of hope that my life could get better.  It is ever so small this glimmer but for now it is enough.


20 thoughts on “Anniversary

  1. I doubt if you have any idea at the enormity of resilience that shows through your words? Sometimes, the dark times seems as if it will subsume us, but if we persevere through it, we come out stronger. I am happy that you made that call. There is really nothing to feel ashamed for. The struggle is definitely real and pretense never made a problem go away.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You said you had no words of wisdom but you do. You spoke so eloquently and you found that glimmer of hope. That will to live. You are such a strong woman. Yes you. Strong!
    I felt a lot of guilt with my kids too. I struggled so much and at times, I am sure I could not be the mom I wanted to be…
    But look at where he is. Who he is. A college grad. A thoughtful young man whom loves his mother enough to hop on a plane for Christmas and help her through some tough times. That kind of man doesn’t happen by accident. You raised him amazingly well despite your struggles. The proof is in the pudding.

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  3. Everybody has those black days. Those days when the darkness is a little louder, a little more insistent than usual. Those days when all hope seems lost. But this is the anniversary of the day you DIDN’t kill yourself. It undoubtedly felt (and feels) terrible, but in the final accounting, that was a good day. Sending you peace.

    Liked by 3 people

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